Tag Archives: acceptance

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When In A Funk

Yoga. Running. Writing. Connection. Podcasts. Reading. 

Those are some of the things that make me feel good, make my recovery flourish. So why is it that when I get into a funk, like I have been the last couple weeks, do I find that is the most difficult to get up and do these things? I KNOW what makes me happy and makes me feel content. Yet, I choose to do the opposite.

Sleep. Watch TV nonstop. Isolate. Dwell on the negative. Compare.

It’s times like this that it seems everyone on social media is having the time of their lives. “They” are all having a blast and living out their dreams right there in front of me. Or so it seems. So I flip them all off and it makes me feel better. Somewhat.

Comparison is a joy killer!!!

I’m not quite sure why I’ve been in this funk, I do know that it will pass. Eventually. I spoke with someone today about sobriety and how we used alcohol to fill the void. I explained to them that alcohol was the solution, a really shitty solution, but still a solution. It temporarily removed the frustration and discomfort of feeling life on life terms. So, when we get sober and the void is there, we aren’t exactly sure what to do. We no longer want the consequences that go along with our drinking, but there we are, having to feel all the feelings and shit. So many feelings, so many emotions, coming at us all at once. It’s overwhelming. Even at 776 days sober, the feelings are overwhelming. Especially when I’m choosing not to do the things that fill the void. Especially when I’m choosing to sit in the negative and refusing to see the bigger picture.

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Actually, if I’m 100% honest with myself, I do know what’s wrong with me. 

There are people, places, and things that are not the way I want them at this very moment. Yes, I admit it. I’m a control freak. I hate when things don’t go my way. I can NOT stand when someone is not doing what I want them to do. I can go days and even months without being bothered by people, places, and things. Not today though! Not the last week! Nope. Instead I am dwelling on the things that aren’t the way I want them. I am laying in bed crying over the people that aren’t the way I want them to be. I am restless, irritable, and discontent.

Does anyone else relate to this nonsense ^^^

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It’s sort of like me and my drinking. I wasn’t going to stop until the pain of changing was less than the pain of staying the same. I can take a lot of pain I’ve come to find. Also, it didn’t matter how many people wanted me to change, I was NOT going to change until I was ready. I had to hurt enough to want to do something different.

Thy will, not mine, be done!

A few days ago I sat in a meeting that I did not want to be at, with people I didn’t want to be around, talking about things I didn’t want to talk about. Nothing against them or any of that. It’s just that it was taking time away from thinking about myself and how things aren’t the way I want them. (Thinking about myself takes up a lot of time, ya know). Anyway, when it came time for me to read, what do ya know, the paragraph discussed prayer and “Thy will, not mine, be done.”  I always get the signs that I need when I need them. Doesn’t mean that I will listen or pay attention, but I am always getting messages.

Just for today. One day at a time.  

Luckily alcohol is no longer my solution, it’s doesn’t even cross my mind when I’m feeling low. Unfortunately though, I still have to let myself feel shitty enough to want to do something different.

Today I am choosing to do the opposite of what I want to do and what I am feeling. Writing this blog is the complete opposite action of what I want to do. I want to lay in bed and sulk. Instead I’m getting this shit off my chest and out of my brain. This morning I wanted to lay in bed, watch shitty TV, and sulk some more, but I went on a two mile jog. This afternoon I wanted to eat my feelings, chocolate cake sounded like it would do the trick, instead I chose a salad. Today I am choosing to accept that I am human doing the best that I can and so is everyone else.

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Tomorrow I might sulk all day, eat my feelings, flip everyone off on social media, and yell at someone for not doing what I want them to do, but for today I am choosing to be peaceful and mindful of others peoples feelings. I’m guessing that’s why they say ONE DAY AT A TIME?

This sobriety shit ain’t for the faint of heart!

Nobody said it would be easy, but they did say it would be worth it!!

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“Trying to be all zen and shit” selfie

 

 

No Filter

imageI took this picture early in morning this past weekend on a walk. I have no makeup on and I’m sweaty. I decided to post it on social media with no filter added. I have no clue what made me do that. It’s a big deal for me to post a picture of me with no makeup on. I despise my blonde eyes lashes. One of my friends that I’ve known forever even mentioned that she doesn’t remember ever seeing me without mascara. And we’ve known each other at least twenty years!!!

The fact that I’m willing to leave my house these days without makeup is a huge deal  I spent years piling on the makeup, and I still love to doll myself up sometimes, but not to the extent that I would go to in the past. I NEVER would have let myself leave the house without mascara! In fact I spent so many nights downing wine that I didn’t bother to remove my makeup. Mornings were such a blur, I’d throw on more mascara over the night befores and head out for the day. The more makeup I had on the better.

I ran into a guy a few months ago that lives in my town, he’s a driver and had driven me around a few times when I was bar hopping. He didn’t recognize me, I reminded him of the times he drove me around to different bars. He just stared at me for a moment and then said “You look different, you don’t have so much makeup on. Looks good” It got me thinking.

I remember when my children were removed from my home for the first time back in December of 2013, it was a Friday night. I was hysterical, I felt lost, I was physically sick and mentally destroyed. But, I had to work early the next morning. After crying myself to sleep, I woke up and wore the cutest shirt I could find and piled on the makeup, I put my best fake smile on and went to work. You would have never known CPS had taken my kids the night before. I covered up the hurt and the pain with layers of makeup and a pretty little smile. The worse I felt about myself the more dolled up I had to be. I couldn’t let anyone see the REAL me. What would say if they knew how disgusting I really was under all the makeup and cute clothes? I couldn’t let myself be found out, I needed to hide. I hated myself.

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I lived like that for years. The more I drank, the more bad decisions I made, the more I had to drink to forget those bad decisions, the more I had to pretend it was all perfect. And the cycle continues over and over again. Until there isn’t enough makeup to cover up the hate and disgust I felt for myself, until finally I let go of the need to be perfect, until I finally decided to own my truth. Until I finally let my truth be known. Today I don’t have to hide under anything. I can just be me. Perfectly imperfect ME. I still LOVE my mascara don’t get me wrong lol, but I don’t wear it to hide last nights mistakes anymore.

Today I can look at myself in the mirror and love who I see looking back at me. I don’t have to hide who I am under loads of mascara so people will only focus on the outside, I’m ok with them seeing who I truly am today, inside and out. It’s been a long bumpy road to this place of self love and self acceptance, and there is still a long way to go. But one day at a time I love myself just a little bit more. One day at a time I choose to own my truth and one day at a time I do the next right thing. Just for today, I love and accept myself fully and completely.

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